Filled with anger.  Tight chest, jaw clenched, stomach tight, light in the eyes, the face becomes red, tight neck and back, respirations increased, head erect or tilted forward, fists slightly clenched, feet planted firmly, body moves forward as if to attack…

How does one connect with another in this moment?

What if they see me as the cause or object of their anger?  Or perhaps I feel it also (anger is more contagious then any virus or disease).  The question becomes how do I connect with someone who is angry at me?

We must first recognize the anger.  Sometimes it is obvious.  They are loud and obviously anger.  Sometimes they are subtle, just a split second microexpression of anger (eyebrows down and together, eyelids tighten, tighten lips).    

 

First I have found it helpful to seek to understand and to allow the other to feel understood.  “I hear you are frustrated”…  I use frustrated here because no one likes being told they are angry, unless that is the word they are using.  If they did describe how they feel with words, I would use their own words.  “I hear you say you are pissed off!”  Using someone’s own words lets them know you hear them.  

Second I think, what is the logic to the anger?  I put my own perspective on pause and think about their conception of the situation.   I try to put words to the logic of their anger.  Anger is a brain loop of its own, it has its own logic and purpose.  I think of anger as coming not from slow cognitive thoughts, but from a neuro-network that is fast, pre-verbal (babies have anger) and largely unconscious.  Anger serves a purpose when it seeks to protect either yourself or a loved one.  If someone came into your house to attack your kids, to get angry to protect your family would be just and appropriate.  Anger triggers the sympathetic fight and flight network to initially survey the situation in more detail, possibly get you ready to run or fight or at least puff yourself up to look dangerous!  “It seems you are angry because you had concerns for your wellbeing”… “you are entitled to be angry because in your perspective you were in potential danger here.”

Third we think, what part of their anger is justified and can we take any responsibility for our part in it.  Can we find any truth in their criticism?  “I appreciate your honesty and am glad you shared your frustration with me as now I can look at what I did wrong.”  At times my own pride, anger or fear will get in the way of this one.  “I think you are right that I made a mistake here”.  “I agree that I was late and take responsibility for that”.  I have learned that I have a hard time stopping there.  I want to justify my behavior- to not accept that I made a mistake.  But in connection, it is important to just stop there, because otherwise you are moving back into your own experience in a way that lessens their experience.  

Next it might be helpful to find out more information.  “I would like to hear more, please tell me more.”  Or “I would like to understand this better so that I might learn from this.”  Be curious.  Listen deeply.  

Coming back to your own experience of the situation, get in contact with what you feel.  Do you feel sad, angry, or fearful?  Own your emotions and let them know what in particular you are experiencing.  “I feel sad that I let you down”…  “I feel angry that I put you in danger” … “I feel fear that this mistake might hurt our friendship”.  Often people will say something like “I feel you are wrong”… which is really not a feeling, and it devalues the other’s subjective experience and reality.  

Finally it might be helpful to convey your respect and appreciation for them, which I think needs to come from an authentic place.  “Thank you for expressing your frustrations to me, I really appreciate your openness”… “You are important to me and I am glad you shared this with me”.  To do this you have to believe it.  I would not say something I did not believe.  Here is why I get excited when someone is angry.  I believe that a relationship will not start if there is not mutual enjoyment, but the relationship will not deepen if at some point you don’t work through conflicts that come up and emotions of anger, fear, and sadness.  So look at feedback as a gift!  Look at these moments as times to deepen your relationship and connect on deeper levels.  

Perhaps you have other thoughts on this… or perhaps this makes you feel angry… which I would love to know more about :)