A letter to new fathers… on connecting with your lovie

“Sir you cannot sit there!  We have to clear this aisle…  Are those all your books?”  

“Hmm… No…”

I looked down, feeling a bit of shame, but it quickly turned to anger… Seriously, this is why people just shop on Amazon!  Because of stupid rules like this!  Here I am, just allowing my one year old child to explore her environment and this lady thinks I pulled off those 30 books from the shelf!  Where is my child?  Oh, my lovie has wandered off!  

Thoughts on fatherhood:

I have a passion for the first years of life.  

Attachment happens in the first months of life.  These little lovies learn how to trust, and if they feel safe, learn to thrive in curiosity and awe.  Books on innovation miss that the key to exploration is a secure base of connection and love.  So, here are my ideas:

1.  Fathers, spend face-to-face time with your infants.  Try to mirror their facial expressions and tones of voice.  Go on morning walks, afternoon swims and nightly baths with your infant in his or her first year of life.  Mom enjoys skin-to-skin time… and so should you!  If your child is experiencing fear of some type, try to absorb it and calm yourself to calm your child.  

2.  Fathers, when your youngster is getting into something dangerous, rather than saying, “No,” pick them up and move to another activity.  If he or she squeals with anger and protest, try to empathize by saying in a similar tone as them, “That must be really hard,” or “huh -oooo…,” then redirect… “Let’s go play over here.” THINK: connect and redirect… connect and redirect…

3.  Fathers, dance with your child.  Make rhythmic movements and laugh (or giggle).  Help your lovie move their entire body in sync with the music.  Let your joy mirror your child’s joy!   

4. Fathers, encourage exploration.  The second part of attachment is rejoicing and being exuberant about exploration.  The beginning of shame is when a child is exploring and you react with fear, anger or sadness.  Of course, sometimes this is appropriate… but not all the time!  Instead, try whenever possible to get excited with discovery, curiosity, and wonder.  

About

Welcome to my blog!

I am Dr. David Puder a psychiatrist based out of Redlands California.

I blog to share my curiosity and passion on how we can improve our connections with others.  I dream that we might embrace the challenge of pursuing more meaningful connections as the primary goal.

Connection was not something that always came naturally to me.  Some trials and set backs led me to the realization I was not connected with my emotions and with others.  But through approaching connection like one might approach becoming an expert musician or world class athlete, I decided to see feedback as a gift, found amazing mentors, enrolled in advanced training, experienced therapy first hand, and took on therapy patients.

It is not some theoretical science, but rather something artistic, beautiful, contagious and deeply meaningful.  Join me.

Why DARE failed… and it keeps going…

16 years ago a paper came out as a 10 year follow up to the DARE (Drug Alcohol Resistance Education) program showing that it had no effect in changing anything. (Lynam, 1999)  The abstract reads:

“The present study examined the impact of Project DARE (Drug Abuse Resistance Education), a widespread drug-prevention program, 10 years after administration. A total of 1,002 individuals who in 6th grade had either received DARE or a standard drug-education curriculum, were reevaluated at age 20.  Few differences were found between the 2 groups in terms of actual drug use, drug attitudes, or self-esteem, and in no case did the DARE group have a more successful outcome than the comparison group. Possible reasons why DARE remains so popular, despite the lack of documented efficacy, are offered.”

Another study that looked at 2000 sixth graders till tenth grade found that there were not actual drug use differences between groups of students in the DARE program. (Clayton, 1996)

This study stated “No significant differences were observed between intervention and comparison schools with respect to cigarette, alcohol, or marijuana use during the 7th grade, approximately 1 year after completion of the program, or over the full 5-year measurement interval.”

What is DARE?  17 weeks of one hour sessions giving informational content on drugs, media use of drugs and peer pressure.  The teachers have 80 hours of training on drug use consequences and teaching skills.  It has no booster sessions after its initial training.

The more I looked into the research, the more I realized that all the studies said the same thing: no long term effect!  

That led me to another study looking at why DARE continues despite the lack of research that was widely known and disseminated in 1997-2000 by CBS, ABC, New York Times, Boston Globe, US News, and the World Report.  This study (Birkeland, 2005) in which they interviewed 128 people involved in implementing and making decisions about the program showed that the researchers were overlooking that school officials did not think such a short term program would change behavior but it established a relationship between the cops and kids.  Also “evaluators generally agree that decision makers do not usually put evaluation findings directly into use.”  Put another way, school districts ignore the evidence.    

  1. Most decision makers knew the negative program evaluations but had not actually read the studies.  
  2. Decision makers continued this 17 hour program because “it was one very small component of a larger community initiative” and did not expect it to win against the kids’ families that used or TV and movies that widely promote drug/alcohol use.  
  3. Schools value the relationships made between the cops and kids.  Cops also value this, one saying “oh, the kids wave with all fingers now instead of just one!”  “Cops are seen as a resource for protection, for answers for some questions, for direction and for care.”
  4. Others thought there personal experience was more convincing then scientific evidence, claiming that their program was unique or special.  

My thoughts:

If schools value relationships with cops why not build a program where the cops are giving more then “content advice”.  Why not train the cops how to build connection with their students and then through the right questions find the student’s own goals for the future.  With a clear vision, purpose and mission kids will be moving towards something.  Connection skills can be taught and is the bedrock to long lasting change.  Building a program around advice and “don’t do this or a bad thing will happen” just has not been shown to work.    

DARE’s content program has not been shown to help likely because what actually helps is asking the right questions.  Motivational interviewing is a well tested and studied technique used by therapists and addiction specialists which helps the client find their own intrinsic motivations to change.  When I first learned this method, got the book (Miller, 2012) on it, I found that people who came in with drug use actually were able to make movement to change.  The book provides research on how content and confrontation approaches actually push people further into addiction (something I have seen time and time again in my practice of medicine).  

Rather then teach students to observe how modern culture promotes drugs, why not get celebrities to promote something different?  Once again this is moving from using a negative model for change into a positive- look at that amazing celebrity role model – as a way to promote change.  Characters who save the world with a sacrificial love grab the heart of youth and adults.  Look no further to the Lord of the Rings, Hunger Games, Star Wars, Braveheart and many other epics that speak to this truth.  

In addition to face to face contact, in a modern age of social media, a new program will connect students online in an ongoing way over years, not just one semester.  Ideally teachers and cops will be able to interact on an online platform with students at various schools.  

I believe using the DARE program as a learning tool for what does not work, and looking at what actually works, we can re-define the ideal program.  

 

  

Mirror Neurons: what they teach us about connection…

When watching your favorite sport do you feel like you are apart of it?

When watching someone cry do you feel their sadness? 

When seeing someone in pain, do you also feel that pain to some extent? 

When you see someone move, does it make you want to move as well?

The basic idea: when you focus on another’s movements, emotions, intentions, your brain lights up automatically in around 10% the same way… 

In 1992 while studying a monkey’s brain with electrodes attached to the motor area (the area that lights up when movements by the body are made), researchers found by accident that not only would the neurons become activated by the monkey reaching out to pick up a piece of food, but also when the researchers made a similar movement.  Later the same team published a paper that showed that there were mirror neurons responding to mouth actions and facial expressions.  Further studies confirmed that around 10% of neurons in certain areas of a monkey’s brain had mirror abilities.  Later these studies were expanded to humans.  

A recent study summarizing the data of 125 fMRI studies of humans (brain imaging that shows what is active), found that there were many areas of the brain with this capacity.  (Molenberghs, 2012)  Beyond seeing actions performed by others and having them represented in our brain, there are 3 other areas of the brain that are activated in a similar fashion: 

  1. Ever wonder why watching people embrace enthusiastically at an airport is fun to watch?  When you observe someone being touched, a similar area in your brain (the secondary somatosensory cortex) activates in a similar way as the person being touched.  (Keysers, 2004) 
  2. When you only hear something, like someone cracking open a peanut, how do you know what is occurring?  Another study showed that there was a similar brain circuit firing in both doing the action and hearing it and just hearing it.   This study also showed that those with higher scores on perspective taking (ability to slip into another’s shoes) had stronger activation of mirror areas! (Gazzola, 2006)   
  3. When we watch someone grieve at a funeral, ever wonder why we feel their sadness?  When you feel emotion, you experience the emotion in your brain, like they are to a lesser extent.  (Gaag, 2007)

Now researchers are saying that the mirror neuron system is involved with: 

  • Understanding another’s actions and intentions

  • Neural basis for the human capacity of empathy

  • Learning new skills by imitation and rehearsing 

Why do I care about this?  Why am I passionate about this?  What is my story here?

Prior to doing training in therapy most of the mirror neuron signals I was picking up were unconscious and out of my awareness.  My first impatient psychiatric month as a medical student I became depressed, likely because I was picking up my patient’s suicidal depression and had no way of processing it or working through it on a conscious level.  Once I realized that I could feel to some extent what other people were feeling, I started to pay attention to how my subjective experience changed, moment to moment, when I was with another person.  Over time this has led me to more accurately understand what another person feels.  To do this best, I have to empty and clear out all the noise of my own thoughts and really focus on the person in front of me.  Time alone in nature, being in therapy, embracing my spiritual life and having good friends to process things with, helps me do this. 

To differentiate if I am experiencing something of my own or picking something up I frequently ask for feedback.  For example, if after sitting with someone who says they have been stressed, I feel tightness in the back of my head, I might ask, “where do you feel the stress in your body?”  The person might say, “I feel it in the back of my head, especially right now” which allows me to know why I feel that tension myself.  

What to do with the information:

Then from there, get in touch with what it might be like to experience such tension.  Then reflect back to them what that feels like to you.  For example, you might really feel like it would be hard to live with such tension.  You could then say, “I feel it must be hard to live with such tension, the stress must be significant.”  

I believe from really paying attention we can better understand a person’s thoughts, needs, feelings, desires and goals.  Connectedness comes from someone feeling that you understand them on these levels.