A letter to new fathers… on connecting with your lovie

“Sir you cannot sit there!  We have to clear this aisle…  Are those all your books?”  

“Hmm… No…”

I looked down, feeling a bit of shame, but it quickly turned to anger… Seriously, this is why people just shop on Amazon!  Because of stupid rules like this!  Here I am, just allowing my one year old child to explore her environment and this lady thinks I pulled off those 30 books from the shelf!  Where is my child?  Oh, my lovie has wandered off!  

Thoughts on fatherhood:

I have a passion for the first years of life.  

Attachment happens in the first months of life.  These little lovies learn how to trust, and if they feel safe, learn to thrive in curiosity and awe.  Books on innovation miss that the key to exploration is a secure base of connection and love.  So, here are my ideas:

1.  Fathers, spend face-to-face time with your infants.  Try to mirror their facial expressions and tones of voice.  Go on morning walks, afternoon swims and nightly baths with your infant in his or her first year of life.  Mom enjoys skin-to-skin time… and so should you!  If your child is experiencing fear of some type, try to absorb it and calm yourself to calm your child.  

2.  Fathers, when your youngster is getting into something dangerous, rather than saying, “No,” pick them up and move to another activity.  If he or she squeals with anger and protest, try to empathize by saying in a similar tone as them, “That must be really hard,” or “huh -oooo…,” then redirect… “Let’s go play over here.” THINK: connect and redirect… connect and redirect…

3.  Fathers, dance with your child.  Make rhythmic movements and laugh (or giggle).  Help your lovie move their entire body in sync with the music.  Let your joy mirror your child’s joy!   

4. Fathers, encourage exploration.  The second part of attachment is rejoicing and being exuberant about exploration.  The beginning of shame is when a child is exploring and you react with fear, anger or sadness.  Of course, sometimes this is appropriate… but not all the time!  Instead, try whenever possible to get excited with discovery, curiosity, and wonder.