How to sit with a feeling…

The Cone Of Shame

Shame is more prevalent in our culture now then shame.  We no longer think “I am bad” [guilt] but rather “I will be seen as bad” [shame].  In large part this is a change in how parenting is done.  

Here is guilt inducing parenting which is a relic of the past:

“Don’t do that because it is wrong”

 “How would you like it if somone treated you that way”

“I expect better from a big girl like you” 

“I don’t enjoy punishing you, but it is for your own good” 

More commonly shame inducing parenting is geared at the perception of the world looking in: 

“What will people think if you wear that?” 

“Other kids won’t want to play with you if you behave like that” 

“You are embarasing me by your behavior today in public” 

Photographer Ty Foster

Photographer Ty Foster “Cones of Shame”

And so the dog above says it all.  All to often, in the quest for curiosity and exploration, shame and guilt shut us down and lead to feelings of disconnection.    

My question is rather how do we connect with others without inducing guilt or shame.   

When a 1 year old is pulling off flowers from a bush, consider this response: 

Lifting your child up away from the flower, the child starts to cry.  In a soft, empathic tone “Wow lovie, that is really sad to not be able to play with that, lets come over and play with this instead.”  Then the child is lifted off to another toy to play with.  Call it empathy or emotional resonance followed by other options.   

When a 2 year old pushes over another 2 year old.  Rather then removing the two kids, I bring the little pusher over to look at his crying friend.  I say to him “do you feel anything by watching your friend cry?”  He tries to turn away, and I say “It is hard for you to see how you hurt your friend”   

5 Reasons Mothering Is The Most Important Job In The World.

As a psychiatrist I see the multiplicity of problems that arise in early infanthood and play out in adulthood.  So on Mother’s Day, what better way to remind mothers that their job, often a more ambigous and hidden wonder, is in fact (and I am merging together a lot of research here) the most inportant job for society and the world at large.  If you find yourself with the ability to love, control your emotions, form friendship- you can thank your mother.   It saddens me that more is not written about the mothering of famous people.   For example, in looking into the Dali Lama’s mother I could find “His Holiness recalls his mother as undoubtedly one of the kindest people he has ever known” but not a discription of this by examples.  The same is true for Jesus, little is known about what kind of parent she was, but we can speculate from scripture that she was humble, spiritual, kind, dedicated and thankful.  In taking an adult attachment interview, I may ask can you give me several adjectives to describe your mother when you were young.  Then I ask for specific examples.  These specific examples are very helpful, much more so then adjectives like “kind” or “warm”.  

1.  Connection patterns are layed down in the first years of life that live on in adolecents and adulthood.  It is well known that children’s attachment style (anxious, avoidant, disorganized or secure) which is identified as early as 9 months, influences the way the child will interact with people in adulthood.  Being present, paying attention to your babies cues, feeding and comforting the baby when needed, and embracing motherhood leads to a securely attached child.  This attachment with the mother, will influence every relationship that comes after.

2.  Your mothering will be internalized into your child.  A mother becomes internalized as a sense of love and confort in your child.  Every time you held and nursed your child, helped your child when they were scard or hurt– you became a calming source of love that eventually gets internalized.   

3.  Emotional regulation is caught from mothering.  By providing a stable attachment and an internalized calming figure, your child learns how to regulate strong emotions.  Anger will thus not get out of control as easily and destroy, and fear will not keep your child from exploring the world and developing new things and ideas.  

4.  Your ability to empathize with another’s suffering was fostered by your mother.   Babies have a natural ability to have emotional resonance (to feel the emotions of those around them).  As you comfort your child in there distress, they learn what to do with that ability to emotionally resonate – they learn to use it to help the other person who is in distress.  Much of natural morality is born out of this ability to empathize with the suffering of others.  For example, Mother Teresa’s mother was noted to raise her with the “utmost love, care and affection”, was “pious and compassionate” and was very close to her even into her adulthood.  

5.  Curiosity is born out of mothering.  When a child feels safe in connection and attachment, the child feels free to explore the world.  Curiosity and exploration have led to the many innovations of the modern world- all things we can thank our mothers for.   There would be no Einstein without his mother, Pauline Einstein, who was a well educated, quiet woman, enjoyed arts, taught her son piano and violin from a young age.  Steve Job’s mother was a stay at home mom, and per their neighbor they moved to Palo Alto because there were better schools and his father encouraged his endevors, for example building a work bench for him. 

So consider mothering to be of upmost importance, life-transforming and world changing!  

 

Non-Verbals

Connection occurs from the time we are in the womb.

Pushing against the outside world, a response occurs back, an outside voice like a deep rumbling or a vibration of sensations.  

A newborn can mimic the movements of an adult.  

2 tongues stick out.  2 smiles.  2 frowns.  Two.  Mirroring occurs visually together from day one..  

Words come later.  Consider just the tones, expressions, mirroring, and all of the right brain things that happen from day one.  Keep it simple.  

Read Me

What is Connection…?  Attachment?  Embrace?  Love?  Harmony between people?  Is Connection something that can be learned, experienced, grown in?  YES.  Journey with me into the art of connection.  Perhaps we can grow together in the process.  

Connecting with someone who is angry…

Filled with anger.  Tight chest, jaw clenched, stomach tight, light in the eyes, the face becomes red, tight neck and back, respirations increased, head erect or tilted forward, fists slightly clenched, feet planted firmly, body moves forward as if to attack

How does one connect with another in this moment?

What if they see me as the cause or object of their anger?  Or perhaps I feel it also (anger is more contagious then any virus or disease).  The question becomes how do I connect with someone who is angry at me?

We must first recognize the anger.  Sometimes it is obvious.  They are loud and obviously anger.  Sometimes they are subtle, just a split second microexpression of anger (eyebrows down and together, eyelids tighten, tighten lips).    

 

First I have found it helpful to seek to understand and to allow the other to feel understood.  “I hear you are frustrated”…  I use frustrated here because no one likes being told they are angry, unless that is the word they are using.  If they did describe how they feel with words, I would use their own words.  “I hear you say you are pissed off!”  Using someone’s own words lets them know you hear them.  

Second I think, what is the logic to the anger?  I put my own perspective on pause and think about their conception of the situation.   I try to put words to the logic of their anger.  Anger is a brain loop of its own, it has its own logic and purpose.  I think of anger as coming not from slow cognitive thoughts, but from a neuro-network that is fast, pre-verbal (babies have anger) and largely unconscious.  Anger serves a purpose when it seeks to protect either yourself or a loved one.  If someone came into your house to attack your kids, to get angry to protect your family would be just and appropriate.  Anger triggers the sympathetic fight and flight network to initially survey the situation in more detail, possibly get you ready to run or fight or at least puff yourself up to look dangerous!  “It seems you are angry because you had concerns for your wellbeing”… “you are entitled to be angry because in your perspective you were in potential danger here.”

Third we think, what part of their anger is justified and can we take any responsibility for our part in it.  Can we find any truth in their criticism?  “I appreciate your honesty and am glad you shared your frustration with me as now I can look at what I did wrong.”  At times my own pride, anger or fear will get in the way of this one.  “I think you are right that I made a mistake here”.  “I agree that I was late and take responsibility for that”.  I have learned that I have a hard time stopping there.  I want to justify my behavior- to not accept that I made a mistake.  But in connection, it is important to just stop there, because otherwise you are moving back into your own experience in a way that lessens their experience.  

Next it might be helpful to find out more information.  “I would like to hear more, please tell me more.”  Or “I would like to understand this better so that I might learn from this.”  Be curious.  Listen deeply.  

Coming back to your own experience of the situation, get in contact with what you feel.  Do you feel sad, angry, or fearful?  Own your emotions and let them know what in particular you are experiencing.  “I feel sad that I let you down”…  “I feel angry that I put you in danger” … “I feel fear that this mistake might hurt our friendship”.  Often people will say something like “I feel you are wrong”… which is really not a feeling, and it devalues the other’s subjective experience and reality.  

Finally it might be helpful to convey your respect and appreciation for them, which I think needs to come from an authentic place.  “Thank you for expressing your frustrations to me, I really appreciate your openness”… “You are important to me and I am glad you shared this with me”.  To do this you have to believe it.  I would not say something I did not believe.  Here is why I get excited when someone is angry.  I believe that a relationship will not start if there is not mutual enjoyment, but the relationship will not deepen if at some point you don’t work through conflicts that come up and emotions of anger, fear, and sadness.  So look at feedback as a gift!  Look at these moments as times to deepen your relationship and connect on deeper levels.  

Perhaps you have other thoughts on this… or perhaps this makes you feel angry… which I would love to know more about :)