The Cone Of Shame

Shame is more prevalent in our culture now then shame.  We no longer think “I am bad” [guilt] but rather “I will be seen as bad” [shame].  In large part this is a change in how parenting is done.  

Here is guilt inducing parenting which is a relic of the past:

“Don’t do that because it is wrong”

 “How would you like it if somone treated you that way”

“I expect better from a big girl like you” 

“I don’t enjoy punishing you, but it is for your own good” 

More commonly shame inducing parenting is geared at the perception of the world looking in: 

“What will people think if you wear that?” 

“Other kids won’t want to play with you if you behave like that” 

“You are embarasing me by your behavior today in public” 

Photographer Ty Foster

Photographer Ty Foster “Cones of Shame”

And so the dog above says it all.  All to often, in the quest for curiosity and exploration, shame and guilt shut us down and lead to feelings of disconnection.    

My question is rather how do we connect with others without inducing guilt or shame.   

When a 1 year old is pulling off flowers from a bush, consider this response: 

Lifting your child up away from the flower, the child starts to cry.  In a soft, empathic tone “Wow lovie, that is really sad to not be able to play with that, lets come over and play with this instead.”  Then the child is lifted off to another toy to play with.  Call it empathy or emotional resonance followed by other options.   

When a 2 year old pushes over another 2 year old.  Rather then removing the two kids, I bring the little pusher over to look at his crying friend.  I say to him “do you feel anything by watching your friend cry?”  He tries to turn away, and I say “It is hard for you to see how you hurt your friend”   

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